A Prayer That Backfired...
or did it?
Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it. (Maya Angelou)
Imagine my surprise when my prayer was answered with exactly what I’d asked for…for Ann to accept our offer with no counter. I asked that with the confidence that Ann didn’t really want to sell and would come back with a high counter offer as was the past pattern. Also knowing that underneath the challenge I’d thrown down to God, was the understanding that I’d regretted saying yes to moving. He knows my heart, right? My fears? My anxieties? And yet…
He gave me what I asked for.
I’ve had a lot of practice at believing. It’s not as easy as people think. Belief takes a lot of effort every day, given that real life has a tendency to contradict my faith. So, there I stood at a crossroads. He answered my prayer with precision, and I believe He understands the underneath me (I see you Maude)…the parts and pieces no one else sees. Even so…
He gave me what I asked for.
Can I trust Him? I believe I can but still.
You see, that’s not the way I normally pray. I mean, sometimes I get pretty specific…for the healing of a friend or relationship, for safe travels, for coupons to match sales (especially in our younger leaner years!), for Todd to be miserable leading worship years ago simply because he could and not because he was called (funny story and He answered that one too.) Most of the time when it has to do with something big, I simply pray God you know my heart and the situation. I trust that you will take care of this as it should be. Period. Then I go on about my day and life knowing God’s got my back.
So, what was different this time? Why challenge with specifics? Why not believe He’ll take of this as He has so many other things? Control. Fear. I panic prayed.
I didn’t ask for what I really wanted which was for this thing to fall through. I assumed God would answer the underneath me. That He would hear my Maude loud and clear without ever speaking a word. You know what they say about assuming. Instead, I asked for something I never thought possible forgetting I was asking the One who moves mountains, calms the calamity, and heals hearts.
Here’s the cool thing: He also answered the second part which was that He would give me the strength and courage to move forward.
He’s giving me what I asked for.
Once she accepted our offer, I was momentarily mad and confused. As I stared at the contract on my computer screen, I thought…God you know my heart on this! What the heck?
I gave you what you asked for. Now go in the strength and courage I’m also giving you to move forward. You believe I know what’s best, now trust Me in this. PS also learn to ask for what you want…not just from Me but in life as well.
And I am. Day by day. Hour by hour. When I get weepy over some silly thing. When I get excited about the possibilities. When I question what the heck we’re doing. When I pause, breathe and put one foot in front of the other. When I remember fondly all the things this house has seen. When I wonder what new things we will see out there.
He's teaching me and I’m learning. I can trust Him. To see my fear, yes. But He also sees that around the edges of fear are glimmers of want to in the underneath me.
He’s teaching me and I’m learning that I thought I knew Ann and her heart for the land she grew up on. It just so happens God knows Ann’s heart better. How pious of me to think otherwise.
He’s teaching me and I’m learning to trust His timing on this whole thing.
He’s teaching me and I’m learning to ask for what I want and be prepared to get it. Thanks, Maya Angelou, for that one.
He’s teaching me and I’m learning that His answer will be better than what the underneath me thinks she wants.
He’s teaching me and I’m learning that for years I’ve adapted to travel schedules, sports schedules, school schedules, work schedules, snack schedules, laundry needing to be done, food to be made, games to attend, to expectations of being a woman and to a world that rarely pauses in order to ask what it is I want or need.
I mean one day you’re knee deep in dirty diapers, arranging pick-ups and drop offs and making team dinners and filling out college applications and shopping for dorm décor and adjusting life according to the needs of this beautiful, big family and the next day you’re looking at your almost 60-year-old self and wonder where the years went. Who is this woman looking back at you?
You’ve forgotten how to dream dreams for yourself. You’ve loved every minute (well maybe not every single second but you know what I mean.) but now here I am borrowing the Tin Man’s oil can to knock the rust off my dreamer and get the wheels turning again.
What I’m finding is the sheer joy and wonder of letting go of the Mom guilt for doing something crazy for me. It’s not the end but the beginning of something new that is mine to have and to hold. It’s such a foreign concept after all the years of sacrifice….I can stop closet eating ice cream and buy 24 acres and want a donkey named Conway and a milk cow named Dolly.
And really this isn’t just a phase. It’s a coming full circle. A return home. To dream dreams. To the passion that still burns inside. To the unapologetic version of myself.
This is my time. Not to fade but to rise.
I never would have realized this had God answered the underneath me. Thank goodness He knows how irritating Maude can be. Maybe He does know what’s best for me after all.
The adventure continues and I’m here for it!