Monday Morning Permission Remorse
The adventure continues...Monday through Wednesday after Easter
I woke up Monday morning with a regret hangover. In a moment of weakness and vulnerability I said yes to purchasing 25 acres, but maybe it’s not too late. I decided I would talk to Todd about it when he woke up.
I popped out to feed and water the chickens and when I came back in, he was on the phone with the real estate agent who has (bless her) been dragged into most of Todd’s wild ideas. He hangs the phone up and I asked what he’s doing.
T: Getting the ball rolling.
Me: But we agreed yesterday to take things slow.
T: I don’t want to let this slip out of our hands.
Apparently, our ideas of taking things slow means different things to each of us.
Oh dear. Here we go. Just as I feared. He’s not listening to anything I said yesterday. The boundaries I set. Things like…
· No tiny homes. I want a say about the house we were to live out our retirement years in.
· I want to be able to do all the things we want to do out there. My fear was lots of promises would be made because he wants so badly to move…you can have a moo, a studio to do your herb classes and write…we can do anything you want…yada yada.
· Running water AND electricity. I kid you not. He has talked about going off grid and watched so many videos through the years. Would I be okay with a composting toilet? Nope. (Now you see why I’ve always been the party pooper…I would have a crappy crapper!)
· I needed to take things slow. This was the first time in 20 years that I even entertained the idea, and it was kind of all of a sudden on my end. I’m a 9 on the Ennegram and boy do we struggle to make a decision. I needed time.
· My fear was we would buy this property, and he would do whatever HE wanted to do (He is an 8 on the Ennegram. They have no problems making a decision THEN asking questions)…and there we would be…out in the middle of nowhere composting our poo.
How’s that for visions of my future?
So, when I came back in from feeding the chickens and he was on the phone with Jennifer before she’s had a chance to have her first cup of coffee, I was regretting saying yes. There was a sliver of something inside me that wanted to continue the process. I WANT to be adventurous. The easy thing is to not be. It’s safer. More comfortable. But is it really? Not when it keeps you from dreaming. So I muzzled Maude for the moment and pushed forward.
We agreed on a price to ask. Contracts were sent back and forth via email. Now we wait. The seller (Anne) had a couple days to decide.
Oh God, what am I doing?
No sleep for me Monday night.
Todd left to go out of town for work on Tuesday morning but calls so many times during the day with the whirl of contacting people…how much would it cost to run electric back to where we want to put the house? What about water? Sewer? We needed a soil test. Farmer Hugh will be planting this season so we need to get this stuff done ASAP! And on and on. With every thought he would call me. Or so it seemed.
He was so excited to finally be moving out on land.
One call was to tell me there’s an old pick-up truck buried on the back of the property. A pick-up truck? Like a whole pick-up truck? Yeah. Another was to tell me there are cans (barrels? We didn’t know.) of “stuff” buried on the property.
What kinds of stuff?
I don’t know. Jennifer’s going to ask.
What if it’s chemicals? What if it’s leaking out into the ground? I don’t want to be out on property if we don’t know what’s in those barrels.
It will be okay.
That was his response to every push back or doubt I had. I’m questioning our decision. He’s totally fine with everything. We talked about what the highest we would go on a counteroffer. (I wanted to nail him down on that so I could (try to) hold him to it when she did counter.)
Back and forth ALL. DAY. LONG. I was mentally exhausted. Tuesday night brought with it another fitful night’s sleep. Dreams of that rusted out farm truck rising out of the ground in the light of a full moon. Uncle Jethro’s skeleton driving rough shod through the woods, smoking a stogie, guzzling moon shine like he’s the star of a Stephen King novel. The truck bed full of distorted skeletons…some with extra appendages, others multiple heads, making it possible to slam can after can of God knows what like they are frat boys from Athens.
But hey, it’s going to be okay! Morning couldn’t come quick enough.
Wednesday, I woke up bleary eyed and anxious, fighting internally with Maude. It went something like this:
Me: We need to be brave! Todd really really wants to do this! We’ve said no enough.
M: But here feels so comfortable! Do you not remember that horrible dream we had?
Me: It’s time Maude and we really will be okay.
M: You don’t know what’s buried out there. Good God woman, have some sense. We are FINE where we are! Why did we say yes? What were you thinking?
Me: I know this feels foreign…this being adventurous but sometimes we can allow life to be lived in grayscale rather than immersed in all the colors it offers. Grayscale is good, even necessary for different seasons but it’s okay to need more color. We’ve lived safe and comfortable not stretching ourselves for quite some time. It’s all going to work out. You’ll see. Pull your pantyhose up. Unclutch those pearls and let’s do this thing.
That morning, I challenged God like I was Bobby Flay in a cooking contest, throwing down a prayer, daring Him to answer big if we were supposed to do this. Challenging His ability to meet my “requirements” if I were to move. As if this thing was too big for Him. He knows me. He’ll come through and make this impossible for us to do. I felt comfortable, smug even.
Okay God. IF we are supposed to be out there, she (the owner) will accept our offer with no counteroffer. And IF she accepts our offer, You will give me instant peace and courage to move forward.
I ended with an amen knowing there was NO WAY she would accept our offer. She wasn’t willing to budge in the past so why would she now? I also trusted that God really knew under the smugness of that throw down prayer was someone who was very anxious and would come through for me.
He did. Just not in the way I thought He would.
I went on about my day putzing around like I do when my brain won’t stop so by early evening, I decided to text Todd how I was feeling. With his permission here’s how it went:
Me: I know this is a process and all but I feel like we went from me just curiously looking to see how far away that property was to…wham…now we are trying to buy it. (I really wish my volume had been turned down!)
And in a vulnerable moment of being sad about no one coming over for Easter we are looking at uprooting our lives and what we’ve established here. I feel a little taken advantage of honestly.
I’m trying to push past the upset stomach and inability to sleep and be adventurous but I’m struggling. I’m trying to lean into “if this is meant to be it will work out” but I can’t help but think you will push past ALL the things and make it work…in true T-dub fashion.
I’m texting this because I can’t talk about it without crying. But also need to let you know how I’m feeling.
(Maude can get a little wordy when she’s nervous! )
Todd: Thanks for sharing.
(Dudes!)
Todd: Do you want me to drop this deal?
Me: Not if it makes you mad or too upset. I keep thinking I can wait to see where she comes in at and hoping it’s too high…then we are done with it if that happens.
I know you have your concerns too but also want to be in the middle of nowhere.
I’m really just trying to be honest with how I feel but not squash your dream. Sigh…
You know I’m a pros and cons on paper kind of person so can we make a list of those again?
Todd: I need to know if you are going to be on board with this at all? I feel like no matter what the price is it’s not gonna be good enough. I’m not gonna to fight you through this whole process to try to get this property if you are not on board with this. Let me know now. I would rather not spend another second on this if that is the case.
Me: Okay. Then no. I don’t want to uproot and move this late in our lives. I love what we have here and what we have access to…friends, family, church, chickens, egg selling, herb classes, a new barn with a wood shop coming.
I should have said no on Sunday but was feeling sad about Easter and you wanted to know an answer right then before we went inside. I said I wanted to take it slow and by Monday you put in an offer.
I have concerns about what is buried out there. As well as running out of money before we have what we want. I’m not willing to go into debt at the age we are. That’s silly to do when what we have is paid for.
I’m sorry but that’s the blunt answer you’re looking for.
Todd: Good enough.
I knew he was upset with me, with his dream bubble being burst once again. Parties and poopers…it’s always me. But I (and Maude) could finally breathe. Uncle Jethro wouldn’t be doing any skeletal dancing in my head tonight.
Then Todd texted me at 9:28PM…
Just spoke with Jennifer. I emailed you the counter. Call me if you want. If you don’t want to that’s fine too.
I popped onto the computer and pulled up her counteroffer. I didn’t see one, so I called Todd and told him that I only saw her initials.
She accepted our offer with no counter. I’ll let Jennifer know we don’t want to do this tomorrow.
My initial thought was what the heck God! You know how I feel about moving and yet, here we are. She was supposed to come back with a high counter.
Bobby Flay ain’t got nothin’ on God when it comes to challenges being thrown down! This one backfired on me.
Todd texted Good morning love the next day as he always does. I found that very sweet since I knew I yanked that football out just when he was going to score.
Good morning sunshine. As I was praying about the property (all day) yesterday, I asked for a sign that if this was meant to be then the seller would not counter but simply accept our offer. Well. She did.
While it’s still all so overwhelming for me, I think we should put the deposit down and move forward with the perk and water tests and see if we can dig a well or use city water.
Todd: I just got out of the shower. Let’s talk about this in a few if that’s okay.
We did.
Remember the second part of my throw down challenge? That He would give me instant peace and the courage to move forward?
He did.
And this adventure continues!