The doorbell was ringing energetically. It was late and I wasn’t expecting anyone. I peeked out the window, there she stood, two wine glasses and a bottle of Pinot Noir in hand. When she saw me, she raised both and said, I heard you could use a friend.
I opened the door and in she came like a whirlwind. I should have known right then how destructive wind could be.
Standing there in my ratty sweatshirt, jammie pants and disheveled hair…had I showered today? I couldn’t remember. She whisked past, talking a 100mph…
You should have called me. You know I’m here for you. Do you have a wine bottle opener? Never mind. I’ll look. Oh, here it is. That’s a dumb place to keep it. No problem. We’ll fix that soon enough. Don’t you worry about anything. I’m here to help. Come on. Let’s sit down and talk about what’s going on.
And I did. She was kind and understanding and certainly appeared to be in my corner. At first, she seemed to want to protect me, shield me from getting hurt, failing, danger.
But then I noticed something.
She would show up and start saying things like…
You’re wearing that to the meeting today? Hmmm…
Did you see the way she looked at you? I wonder what’s up with that?
Don’t worry about writing…it’s a silly idea anyhow. Come spend time with me!
The only thing you’ve been good at is quitting, so why try? You’ll lose and I’ll be right.
And I believed her. Every. Single. Time.
Self-sabotage has been my companion for many, many years. She’s like an old friend who at first brought wine and simply joined my pity party. But somewhere along the way she moved herself in completely and rearranged everything to suit her own need to be in control. She didn’t just rearrange my kitchen drawers and put the wine bottle opener in a different place, she rearranges my thought process any time I allow her to.
It’s like I woke up one day and couldn’t even find my own self!
Here’s what I’m discovering about self-sabotage…
What seemed like protection was hurting me, stunting my growth and keeping me from trying new things.
What was shielding me from getting hurt was also keeping me from living life to the full.
What was keeping me from falling/failing was also keeping me from sharing my gifts, being vulnerable and realizing my worth in this world.
What might have started as good intentions…safety, understanding, open bar pity parties…quickly became a joy sucker, curiosity killer and a smotherer of wonder.
I can live in the seemingly safe space and not really live, or I can choose to do something about it, box up her stuff and ask, no, tell her to move out.
Moving someone out who has been a resident for so long is a hefty task. I mean, she has things in every room, every facet, every thought, idea, notion…you name it, she’s there.
So, what does one do to rid themselves of an unwanted guest?
Give Them a Name
Naming your self-saboteur, your inner critic allows you to get some space from that negative voice and realize that you are not the problem that needs to be fixed. The real problem is that you believe everything the inner critic is saying. Acknowledging your critic and naming her causes her to lose power.
So, I named mine.
Maude is a broad broad who wears cat-eye glasses, a floral scarf on her head like she’s as sophisticated as Jackie O and a long set of pearls that she’s forever clutching with worry and twisting in knots. She means well and wants to keep me from harm’s way, but she’s from a generation of women who do that by playing it safe and small: by making herself quiet and invisible, by going nowhere, showing no curiosity and never taking risks.
I imagine Maude will refuse to move out completely with a random shoe left in the closet, a forgotten sock under the dresser, those God-awful taupe panty hose draped over my reading light, her favorite coffee mug in the cupboard, the cork from the last pity party she threw for me on the coffee table. Remnants of her existence are everywhere. All reminders that she’s never too far away. Now that I’ve named her, I can thank her for her concern and calmly say, Move over Maude. I’ve got this.
Get to Know Them
Wait. What?
You know the saying, Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This tempest of doom is no friend…don’t be fooled by her excellent choice of wine!...she is the enemy. Being able to recognize her and her patterns of when she pops over, Pinot in hand, helps you evaluate the situation honestly.
Maude’s main mode of weaponry is fear. She shoots a million little arrows of what I call the dreadful iffy’s into the air before I ever have a chance to try something. Let me give you a vulnerable example.
I would love to write a book. But Maude says, You don’t know the first thing about writing a book. And even if you did write a book, you have no idea how to do a launch party. And what if it becomes successful?? What if you needed to do a book tour? We would have to travel. We don’t know how to that by ourselves. Stop being so silly and stay in your lane of comfort. Sit down and nibble on some cheese and crackers while I pour the wine. Did you move the bottle opener again? You know I don’t like it there.
On and on she goes as I sit and stare at the blank page and blinking cursor. Up to this point she’s always convinced me to come have a glass of wine and chat about how we sure wished we could write a book.
I know it sounds crazy!
But now, when Maude rears up with fear, I can say, Move over Maude. It’s okay. I know people who can help me write a book. Remember, Macey? She can help. And I know people who can put a party together like a boss. But first, I just need to sit down and write. Go drink your wine in the other room please.
Stop Believing Them
The only way self-sabotage succeeds is when I believe what Maude says is true. There are hints of truth in what she says…I truly don’t know how to write a book but I know people who do. I’m not fantastic at throwing parties…but I know someone who LOVES to do that.
Believing the lies has kept me small and quiet, withdrawn and safe. It has also stopped me from sharing my gifts…those things God has given me and me alone to do. So, for every lie or half-truth there is a whole truth to replace it with.
While I appreciate Maude’s concern for me, she ain’t no real friend of mine.
Can you relate? I wonder if you’ve ever companioned with self-sabotage. I wonder if you’ve allowed her to make you small. I wonder what would happen if instead of ignoring her, you got to know her, recognize her ways, name her so when she shows up you can also say, It’s okay. I’ll be alright. You can stop now.
We have good stuff to do. Life to experience. Gifts to give. Things to share. Don’t let self-sabotage get the best of us!